Those Kinds of Things

I have a confession to make: I watched Trauma when it was on the air. 

Funniest. Show. Ever.

Seriously, it fell into the "so bad it's good" category for me. The lack of believability was spectacular, and it was, all things considered, one of the dumbest hours of TV I've ever watched. Trauma was exceptionally bad. Or good. Whatever.

But I watched it, so I guess the joke's on me.

I've been critical of the way that EMS is portrayed in pop culture for a long time. I dug Mother, Jugs & Speed, mostly because Bill Cosby is awesome and the zany shenanigans were so goofy. I really didn't care for Bringing Out the Dead - way too dark and depressing, and (at least to me) as unrealistic as Trauma. There was an indie film called Broken Vessels that did the "dark exploration of prehospital medicine" thing way better than Bringing Out the Dead and was interesting from a train wreck kind of perspective, but basically I don't think Hollywood has ever portrayed us well.

I like to think I watch quality TV shows, occasional guilty pleasures aside, and I really enjoy the complicated and dark world of Showtime's Dexter.

I think it does a great job of challenging morality and the sometimes blurry line between good and evil. 

Having said that (thanks, Larry David!), though, I had serious issues with Sunday night's episode. Read on for details (and minor spoilers!)

SPOILERS BELOW!

If you're still reading, I'm assuming that you either: a) already saw the episode, b) never plan to see it, or c) don't care much about spoilers.

The first couple of minutes of last night's episode Those Kinds of Things were completely and totally preposterous. Absurdly unintelligent. Insultingly ridiculous.

And it's just propogating the misinformation out there about EMS.

So here's the set up:

Dexter's inner dialogue tells us about how wrong things have gone as he stumbles around with a bloody knife. He calls 911 from his cell phone and tells the dispatcher that he's been stabbed. The ambulance crew (Go Team 42!) responds, doesn't stage, and runs to the now-unconscious Dexter's side with no regard for their safety, minimal equipment (who carries a jump bag on their lap?) and (convenient tie in to my CSI Fairview posts!) absolutely no attempt at evidence preservation. 

As they kneel next to him, Dexter pulls out two syringes and jabs both responders in the throat. See what I mean about the hands being dangerous? He then puts them in the back of the ambulance, interrogates them, and pretty much does the typical Dexter thing. Apparently these two knuckleheads were trafficking human organs out of their ambulance with the help of a crooked doctor, or some such nonsense.

His finishing move involves a Lifepak 10 (seriously? Those still exist?) and one paddle on each bad guy. If I'd only known you only needed one paddle/electrode to do the job, I could've saved literally seconds of my life over the years! 

He didn't charge to 200 (or even Extra Crispy), didn't yell "CLEAR!" and shot all the American Heart Association's protocols to pieces.

Aye carumba, oy vey and holy schlamoly all rolled into one. It was really, really, ridiculously bad looking. For reals.

Making things worse is the fact that Dexter's voice is on a recorded 911 call, and the ambulance crew (crooked or not) would be missed very quickly. And stabbings always warrant a police response. None of this scenario made any sense. He could have just made a normal BS complaint - flu-like symptoms or toe pain, maybe - and gone from there.

Hopefully this was a bizarre detour from the normal exceptional production value and strong writing behind this show.

[end crotchety old man-style rant]

Stay tuned for the CSI: Fairview - Stabbings post!

Kilted To Kick Cancer

That whole "being-out-of-the-loop-for-two-months" thing really threw me off. 

While the month is nearly over, I'd like to call attention to Kilted To Kick Cancer.  This is a campaign started by Motorcop and Happy Medic to promote awareness of male-specific cancers.  With morbidity and mortality rates of these cancer matching that of breast cancer, these gentlemen have been wearing kilts to spread the word.  It's a great campaign, and a great cause.

All too often, we (that is, men) play Russian roulette with our health.  The public safety field seems to be full of caring and compassionate folks who spend their entire careers worrying about the health and safety of our communities, but we frequently don't pay enough attention to our own needs.

So man up, put on your big boy kilt, and go get a cancer screening.  The life you save may very well be your own!

CSI: Fairview - Shootings

The second crime scene I'd like to address is shootings.  In a perfect world, you'll be dispatched to a shooting and then stage until law enforcement determines that it's "safe" to enter the scene. Motorcop and Happy Medic have talked about scene safety on The Crossover Show in the past, and scene safety means different things to different folks, but I digress.  Once cleared to enter the scene, you can go to work on the patient(s) and save the day.

We don't live in a perfect world, though. Shocker, I know.

I've run more than 50 shootings in my career, and they're typically pretty dynamic scenes.  I've had the unfortunate honor of being on a number of unsecure and unsafe shooting scenes, and made it out safely, but I don't recommend it to anyone sane.  Of course, most of us in Public Safety dance on the line between sanity and insanity, but I still can't really encourage you to be any part of an unsafe scene.

So, once the scene has been made (as) safe (as it'll get), you'll make your entry.  Maybe I'm just unlucky, but I can think of maybe a half dozen shootings that I've ever responded to that happened during the day.  Those of you with wicked maths skills have probably figured out that I'm in the dark most of the time - ha.  Flashlights come in really handy in those dark alleys and parks.

So, armed with your trusty flashlight, you (and probably some number of street cops with their own flashlights) walk into the scene.  You'll need to have your eyes constantly scanning for evidence.  It's not typically like a movie scene, and those nice big yellow evidence markers you're used to seeing on TV are probably gonna end up being folded 3x5 index cards or something similar.  In the initial flurry of activity, shell casings may not even be seen by the first officers on scene, let alone marked.  The last thing you want to do is kick a shell casing or step in some blood droplets.  That valuable forensic evidence you kicked away or turned into to a useless dirty smear probably won't make too many friends in the Detective Squad.

So as you scan for shell casings, blood droplets and pools, narcotics, firearms, and even assailants and suspects, make your way to the patient.  If at any point you have no choice but to destroy evidence, give the police officers the opportunity to see, and, if possible, document, the evidence before you alter the scene.

As you make patient contact, pay attention to their hands.  Even if the patient is a truly innocent victim of violence, their condition may make them prone to hurting responders inadvertently.  The patient may even be armed themselves, so keep that in mind.  A quick physical exam will help reveal both trauma and evidence, so it's a great idea to take a second and do a rapid full body exam.  This can (and probably should!) look like a pat down.  Pay attention to the waistband and pockets.  Should you find weapons, contraband or other potential evidence, make sure to notify the closest officer/deputy/trooper in order to secure the evidence and maintain the proper chain of custody. 

This whole pat down physical exam should only take 15 seconds or so.  As you go, note the normal medical findings, but also take special note of any bullet holes in the clothing and, in the case of close range shootings, the presence of gunshot residue (GSR) and powder marks.  Aside from the obvious clue to penetrating trauma in close proximity to that bullet hole, you'll want to take care to not cut through that hole or GSR when you remove the patient's clothing in the ol' strip 'n' flip.

Because gunshot wounds may or may not be obvious and the patient may not know how many times they've been shot, it's very important to remove all their outerwear.  All that clothing can be valuable evidence as well, so remove it with evidence preservation in mind.  Try to make as few cuts as possible, and if you can cut along the seams, even better.  If you can make a few straight cuts along seams, that shirt or pair of jeans will probably still look like a shirt or pair of jeans in 5 years when the evidence is presented at trial.  But a ragtag piece of fabric that doesn't look like clothing anymore just makes us all look sloppy.  It doesn't really take any longer to do it the right way, so you should really make the effort.

It can be very helpful to know the type of weapon that was used and the caliber of the bullet.  Those shell casings we talked about earlier can be a great indicator of that, but you won't make any friends by picking up the shell casing to look at it.  Under no circumstances should you take a casing to "show the hospital staff." Ask the cops -- this is their sandbox, and you're just visiting.  If shell casings aren't around, it might be pretty hard to tell what the patient was shot with by visual inspection alone.  This is common when the weapon is a revolver, in a drive-by shooting, and in some outdoor environments with lots of ground cover.  If the patient saw their assailant, they may know what they were shot with.  Even if you're unable to determine the size of the projectile, knowing if they were shot with a pistol, revolver, shotgun or rifle can be very important.

Another note about shell casings: especially if you don't know much about guns, a trip to a gun shop, shooting range or even the PD can teach you a lot about ballistic considerations.  It doesn't take much time to learn the difference between a 12 gauge shotgun shell and a .22 casing, and when you can actually see the difference in size between a .22 and a .223, you'll have a much greater appreciation for the difference that muzzle velocity makes in the impact on soft tissue.  Again, the size of the round can have a huge impact on the mechanism and severity of the patient's injury, but don't get caught up in trying to determine the information if it's not readily available.

Also, despite what you may have heard, it can sometimes be almost impossible to tell if a given wound is an entry wound or exit wound.  In truth, it doesn't even matter -- it won't make a bit of difference in how you manage the wound.

Once you've assessed the patient's injuries and initiated the appropriate treatment, you may believe that the time for evidence preservation has passed.  Many times, this is true.  There are some clear exceptions, though.  If for some reason you have the patient's clothes or other potential evidence with you, make sure that it's not disposed of. 

The patient's statements to you may be very valuable as well, especially if the patient is in extremis.  Shocking as it may seem, some shooting victims will refuse to identify their shooter to the police.  This can be out of fear of retaliation, or a desire to inflict their own retaliation, among other things.  If they give you a dying declaration that identifies their assailant, however, that could be the key piece of evidence that takes a violent criminal off the streets.  If the patient opens up to you, do your best to obtain the who, what, when, where, why and how.  The more you get from them, the better.  "Some middle aged white guy" is better than nothing, but "my ex's new boyfriend" is better.  A name, even a street name or nickname, can be better still.  If they don't know their attacker, a good physical description, along with a vehicle description and direction of travel can be very helpful.  You get the idea. 

Like I said last time, it's not EMS's responsibility to investigate the scene or catch the bad guys, but we can be valuable assets to our law enforcement brothers and sisters.  Situational awareness and proper documentation of the scene, circumstances and patient conditions can be very helpful to the investigating officer and agency.  Be aware of the presence and importance of evidence, and be careful what you do out there.  Vigilant situational awareness helps you minimize your impact on the crime scene, so work to maintain it. 

Again, this isn't meant to be all inclusive, and I welcome input from my EMS and LEO brethren.  Stay tuned for crime scene number 3...

Ugh.

All rumors to the contrary aside, I am still alive.

Social media issues at work compounded by unforeseen circumstances at home forced the long, unexplained absence.

Sorry, folks.

We'll return you to your irregularly scheduled postings shortly.

CSI: Fairview - Traffic Collisions

The first crime scene I'd like to address, and one that frequently isn't thought of as a crime scene, is the traffic collision.  When people are yelling & screaming for help and there are mangled vehicles everywhere, many of us fall into the tunnel vision-auto pilot trap.  We fail to keep our eyes open and assess for threats due to traffic, downed lines, weather. HAZMAT / fire issues etc.  We also fail to recognize that these responses are very nearly always the result of someone breaking the law.

It's important to note that evidence preservation will be much more important for a wreck with major injuries or fatalities than a typical fender bender, and common sense must be employed.  If you are first on scene of a minor fender bender that's blocking the roadway, there won't be some crazy investigation.  The cars should be removed from the roadway as quickly as practical and evidence preservation will be of minimal importance.

We march in, pull out tools, kick debris out of the way, cut the cars apart and in general destroy evidence from the moment we arrive.  On your approach to a TC, you should be assessing for all these hazards anyway, but there are few other things that all too often fall through the cracks.

As you approach the scene and select a safe and appropriate place to park your apparatus, be sure to avoid driving or parking over evidence.  This includes skidmarks, glass, debris puddles of fluid, damaged sections of roadway and anything else that wasn't there before the collision occurred.  If law enforcement is already on scene, park as directed -- the officers on scene probably won't direct you to park in an area that  destroys evidence or will impede their investigation.  If everyone is on the same page regarding blocking lanes, it'll be that much better.

As you approach the vehicle(s), in addition to continually assessing for hazards and scene safety issues, displace as little evidence as you can.  Don't kick debris out of your way, and if you do move evidence, be sure that law enforcement knows how you've altered the scene.  If it's feasible, allow law enforcement a moment to see the vehicle(s) in it's final rest position before beginning extrication.  More and more agencies are implementing policies forbidding the taking of pictures on scene, and if you don't have a policy forbidding it and you do decide to take pictures, be aware that your pictures could end up being subpoenaed by law enforcement.  If there is any doubt about when a collision occurred, touch the hood of the car and see if it's warm.  This can help you estimate when the TC happened, and that knowledge could come in handy later.  If the engine block is cold, it's probable that the wreck happened some time ago and has only recently been reported.  This is good to know, particularly in late night DUI collisions with minor injuries, as the drunk driver may have delayed reporting the accident in the hopes of sobering up before the cavalry arrives.

As you evaluate the vehicle and patient, assess for injuries and evaluate the mechanism of injury, bear in mind that the indicators we use for these purposes frequently help law enforcement investigate the scene.  That beer can jumps out as evidence, but what about the prescription bottle?

As you begin the process of extricating the patient, the scene can change quickly and dramatically, especially in a complex rescue situation.  Evidence can be altered and destroyed, and care should be taken, when practical, to minimize this.

Once the patient is extricated, law enforcement will frequently try to obtain a statement from them.  If the patient's condition allows for it, it's helpful to allow the officer to obtain the statement while still at the scene.  Bear in mind that the patient's injuries themselves may be evidence (ie, forehead trauma consistent with striking the windshield, seatbelt abrasions, etc) that will contradict a patient's statement.  This frequently happens with DUI/DWI collisions or when a driver is unlicensed.  They lie about where they were in the vehicle at the time of the collision.  If your physical findings contradict the patient's statements, it's a good idea to OBJECTIVELY document that.  Slurred speech, odor of alcoholic beverages (not the odor of alcohol itself -- it's odorless), horizontal gaze nystagmus (HGN) and other physical signs of intoxication are important for both you and law enforcement.  A blood sugar will  be important to obtain as well, as drunks can play the diabetic card and diabetics can appear to be drunk.  Pupillary response can be an indicator of both head trauma and narcotic use, so be sure to document those findings as well.

If your jurisdiction and agency protocols and procedures allow for an evidence blood draw, follow those guidelines.  If not, or the officer doesn't have the blood kit, then don't do it.  There's not a lot that's more frustrating than watching a drunk go free because of improperly obtained evidence, and you don't want your blood draw to be the weak leak in the chain of evidence.  Using improper technique or standard blood tubes is a great way for a savvy defense attorney to get a drunk off the hook.  The rules of evidence require that the chain of custody not be broken, and standard blood tubes don't typically meet the criteria for a legal blood draw.  

Also be aware that doing a favor for a cop buddy can turn around and bite you down the road if your agency or protocols forbid the blood draw.  If the case goes to trial and you get subpoenaed to testify in the case, you will probably find yourself in hot water for violating the rules.  Getting drunks off the road is great, but not at the risk of a medic losing their job.

Another issue to consider is vehicle vs pedestrian incidents.  When this happens, someone screwed up, and the potential for serious injury is very high.  Be especially alert to anything that immediately suggests fault, especially if the evidence contradicts the statements by the involved parties.  If your pedestrian patient is clutching a paper bag with booze in it or has a death grip on their cell phone, that suggests that inattention to their surroundings could have contributed to the incident.  If the pedestrian was in a crosswalk in good lighting conditions, that suggests that the driver may have been the inattentive one.  If the ped was wearing dark clothing and crossing the street at midnight in the middle of the block, they'd be hard to see.  If the EMS crew removes the patient's clothing and disposes of the clothes upon arrival at the hospital, they've destroyed evidence that could be pivotal in determining fault.

While it's not EMS's responsibility to investigate the scene or determine cause from a legal perspective, situational awareness and proper documentation of the scene, circumstances and patient conditions can be very helpful to the investigating officer and agency.  Evidence can be smaller than paint chips & glass fragments and larger than a Mack truck, so it's important to be aware of its presence and importance.  Evidence can be cars, people, clothes, vehicle contents, personal effects and just about anything else, so be careful what you do out there.  Pay attention to your surroundings, and minimize your negative impact on the crime scene.

Again, this is not meant to be all inclusive, but it's a good start.  Stay tuned for the next crime scene...

CSI: Fairview - Intro

Nope, it's not CBS's latest wannabe prime time hit -- it's how I'll (not-so) lovingly refer to many of my coworkers here in the land of dreams and schemes.

Crime Scene Ineptitude (Idiocy? Ignorance? Incompetence? Imbicility?) seemingly runs rampant among my fellow medics and firefighters.  I'd love to be able to say it doesn't, but we all could learn a lot from the cops when it comes to responding to crime scenes.  This topic can easily (and, dare I say SHOULD be...) be addressed in an 8 hour class, so while the scope easily exceeds what I can write about here, I hope to at least increase awareness...

While it's impossible to address all of the possible crimes fire & EMS would respond on, there are a few biggies that are worth addressing briefly.

As a quick overview of my own experience, I started out on this crazy planet as the son of 2 MPs.  I became a law enforcement explorer in high school, and did my EMT training on the grounds of a highly respected police academy.  Our training consisted of significantly more hours of classroom time than the EMT curriculum requires -- roughly 350 hours of didactic time -- and a large part of that training was on thinking tactically.  We did a lot of crime scene awareness exercises, and I feel I know more than the average bear about responding to crime scenes.  My paramedic program didn't acknowledge crime scene operations beyond admonishing the age-old "scene safety" advice, but a decade of practicing what I learned in EMT school has paid off handsomely.

Despite my 10 years of experience and training, though, I AM NOT a cop, and have never worked in law enforcement.  Most of this stuff makes sense if you think about it, and, if put into practice, will greatly improve the working relationship you share with allied agencies.

In the following days (weeks?) I hope to address some of these common incident types and the mistakes we make.

Stay tuned!

Don't Be a Jackass

I awoke this morning to the news that Ryan Dunn of Jackass fame lost control of his vehicle early this morning.  The traffic collision claimed the lives of both Dunn and his as-yet-unidentified passenger.  Dunn posted a picture of himself and two other men drinking just after midnight, and just under two and a half hours before the traffic collision.

Police are still investigating the collision, and alcohol and high speed are suspected factors.

While the full investigation will likely take some time, the preliminary facts are indisputable:

Mr. Dunn and his companion were in his 2007 Porsche 911 around 0230 on the morning of June 20th, 2011.  At 0238, the West Goshen Township Police Department received a report of a traffic collision near Route 322 and Pottsdown Pike.  The first arriving officer found a fully involved vehicle occupied by two deceased adults.

Mr. Dunn had been at Barnaby's of America, a West Chester, PA bar, prior to the collision.  A picture of him with two other men was posted to his Tumblr account at around 1215.

Now, with those facts in mind, the following is PURELY SPECULATIVE.  Traffic collisions at that hour are frequently the result of impairment, either from operating under the influence of alcohol or drugs or lack of sleep.  The fact that he was at a bar is significant circumstantial evidence that alcohol use (not necessarily impairment) is possible.  The degree of damage to the vehicle suggests that high speed was also a factor in this collision.  The scene of the wreck is approximately one mile from the bar.  It seems to be reasonable to speculate that Mr. Dunn's death, and that of the other occupant of the vehicle, resulted from driving under the influence.

If that proves to be the case, this incident is a highly tragic and entirely preventable end to two young lives. To that end, please consider the following video:

Smooth Operator

Let me tell you about the coolest guy I work with -- he's a legend in his own mind.  A self-proclaimed hero.

The rest of us know him as a giant bag of tools.

So Mr. Smooth has tried to foster the image of himself as a renaissance man -- he's one of those d-bags that knows more about anything than anyone else.  Not only is he a jack-of-all-trades, he's mastered them all.
 He's in his late 30's and recites the Dazed & Confused line "That's what I love about these high school girls man, I get older, they stay the same age" as a mantra and a way of life.  His estranged wife is 8 months pregnant with his second daughter, and his current girlfriend just graduated from high school last week.

I really don't like this guy.

So Mr. McBride, as I'll call him, also has the charming habit of being creepy and lecherous 24/7.  He'd hit on a nun that collapsed during Christmas Mass without a hint of shame.

There've been rumors about McBride chatting up prostitutes on duty for some time, but most of us dismissed the rumors, thinking that he wouldn't be dumb enough to do that.

It seems we were all wrong.

While on duty yesterday, he stopped and talked to a working girl while getting lunch.  An FPD Vice detective walked up and told both of them to take a hike.  McBride kinda blew him off, but the girl was smart and took the hint.  The detective then identified himself as a detective, and informed McBride that Vice was preparing to sweep the area and round up a bunch of pros and johns.  McBride finally wised up and left the area in his ambulance.

He was later sent to a medical aid call for an unknown man down.  He arrived to find a beaten prostitute (not the same girl from lunch) who didn't want transport to the hospital. He decided it would be a good idea to give her his number, and offered to treat her injuries himself when he got off duty.

And that's how Vice found him this morning -- shacked up with the girl at the local No-tell Motel. They both got arrested, and his career is likely completely done.  It sounds like the girl is a 16 year old runaway, and this waste of oxygen exploited this broken child for his own selfish gratification.

What a complete and total embarrassment to the entire public safety community.

Blinded By the Light...

Wrapped up like a douche. Dressed up like a dude. Wrecked up like Medusa. Knocked up like a douchebag.

Okay, so misheard lyrics don't have much to do with anything here, but since I blatantly stole the song's title for this post, there ya go.

Anyway, we get sent to a cardiac arrest in the world's tiniest apartment.  We arrive at scene and climb the three flights of stairs (of course) to access the patient's residence.  I walk in to find two beat cops working the patient up in the smallest kitchen in the history of humanity.  Seriously, this thing is so narrow we can't get an 18" backboard in to the patient.  The cop controlling the patient's airway is squatting and grimacing like a catcher that should have left home plate 3 or 4 innings ago, but he mans up and volunteers to stay there while we move the patient from the patient to the outside breezeway, which is the only place we can work without claustrophobia and/or furniture and walls getting in our way.

The cop doing compressions gets out of the way to help us make access and take over treatment. I straddle the patient to take over compressions while we evaluate the quickest and easiest way to move our patient.  Due to the close quarters and our inability to get the backboard to the patient, we decide to just drag the patient outside.  With the plan made, I feel like things should finally start to move a little more smoothly.

That's when the kitchen light burns out and we are plunged into darkness. 

Awesome. 

I decide to stand up and stop compressions for a moment to pull out a flashlight. The cop behind me had the same idea at the same time, though, and, believing that I was still straddling the patient and doing compressions, pulled out his 6 cell Maglite. He snapped it toward his partner like he was deploying an ASP (watch this video if you're not sure what that means) just as I stood up.

I heard the thud as the light crashed into my skull. My vision dimmed, the stars came out, and I almost fell over. BAD times.

So the cop apologizes profusely, I attempt to clear my head, and we finish running the call. 

Our patient, an elderly frequent flier with an extensive medical history, died in the ICU the next morning without ever regaining consciousness. If he had one of those Hollywood style out of body experiences while we worked the arrest, hopefully he got a chuckle at me getting clobbered by the Maglite as he walked toward his own light.

A couple of Excedrin later and I felt like myself again. Oh, and as a huge bonus, the cop brought me a hard hat and a quart of cookie dough ice cream. I'm sure we'll be laughing about the incident for a long time. He even drew me (on a napkin, no less) a cruder version of this:

 Good times.

Rites of Initiation, Part 1

After reading Motorcop's post on Supreme Court Double Dog Dares, I was inspired to write this...

As George Bernard Shaw once said, "youth is wasted on the young."  While Mr. Shaw probably wasn't talking about new public servants, I think the idea carries over to our new guys, many of whom are likely to start puberty within the next 6 months.

Everybody knows the new guy.  We all call them something different - rookie, rook, boot, probie, new guy, FNG (F'n new guy), greenhorn, etc - but they're all talking about the same guy.  He's probably young and thinks he knows everything.  He probably takes himself WAY too seriously.  And your newest pair of boots is probably older than him.

While many of our "new guys" are actually not guys at all, some of our new men and women have a highly charming combination of entitlement, arrogance and self-importance.

To be fair, most of our probationary employees are good employees, but there are always folks that aren't yet living up to their full potential.  This post, however, isn't about them specifically.  Instead, it's about the rites of initiation we can put them through.

Now, don't mistake me here.  There have been many high-profile incidents in the media over the last few years that make us all look terrible.  Hazing and all other kinds of bullying are serious problems, and there's no place for it.  Hazing and bullying can cause all kinds of physical, psychological or mental harm to the victim, and expose the tormentors and their agencies/employers to serious civil and criminal liabilities.  If you're hazing someone, stop reading this blog and figure out where you screwed up in life.  Many of the hazers out there were hazed themselves and feel the need to perpetuate this vicious cycle, and this is decidedly not okay.  If you're jeopardizing anyone's health and safety, wasting department resources, delaying emergency response or in any other way acting unprofessionally, you're doing it wrong.

I'm talking about team building exercises that help the rookie learn to take themselves less seriously and quicken their transition into public safety.  I'm talking about station pranks.

Shenanigans.

To paraphrase, shenanigans are cheeky and fun.  If your shenanigans are cruel and tragic, you're probably Farva, and you're probably hazing someone.

Proper shenanigans help the rookie relax a little and, ideally, help them learn.  One of the easiest (and most common) things to do is to send them on a fool's errand.

Done right, this involves the rookie wandering all over the station, often for quite some time, looking for something.  Aside from entertaining the rest of the house, it teaches the rookie to ask questions and clarify orders.  Some of the typical tasks include finding:

#7 Fallopian tubes
Strobe rotator grease
Ladder stretchers
Sky hooks
Electrode chargers
Helicopter landing gear
Neck tourniquets
Tubes of elbow grease
Water hammers

They can also be sent to rotate the air in the tires of the backup rig, shake all the IV bags to preserve freshness, replace the squad's spark plugs or even sent to fill out the ID-10T (idiot) form.

While rookies are fun to tease, the whole point here is to bring them into the family.  If you're making them feel like an outsider, you're screwin' up.  So make sure that the rookie isn't singled out.  The shenanigans should extend to the other members of the crew, too.  You've also gotta make sure that your timing is appropriate, and that the victim's got a good sense of humor.  Also, if you aren't able to take it, you better not dish it.

A can't-miss crowd pleaser is to switch the victim's mattress and box spring and remake the bed like nothing has happened.  The great thing about this one is that it won't typically be discovered until bed time.

Another good one is to buy a universal remote and program it to work on the station's TV.  If you select your victim carefully and only use your remote sparingly, you can torture him for months.  If you can pass the remote around to other crews, he won't know who to suspect, and if it only happens every week or so he'll slowly go crazy as the channels randomly change on him.

If your rig is equipped with a field programmable keyless entry (most Fords), pick a spare one up off eBay.  Program it to work on the vehicle, and if you do it right you can convince the new guy that the doors are voice activated and programmed by saying a specific (and embarrassingly goofy) phrase.  When he speaks the phrase, you lock or unlock the doors.  When it stops working, have him fill out the proper equipment repair forms.  Works even better if the Chief is in on it, and best if the 'programming phrase' is insulting to the Chief -- but only if he's in on it...