Priceless

It's early on a Saturday morning, and I've been in bed for about 15 minutes. I'm in that awkward not-quite-asleep daze of relaxation when the alert comes in.

For a maternity.

On the expressway.

Wonderful.

I make it to the rig as my partner fires up the engine, and we head toward the scene. After a 3 minute uneventful response through the nearly deserted 3am Fairview streets to the expressway, we pull up to a Honda Civic with it's hazard lights on sitting on the shoulder.  There's a trooper on scene already, and he doesn't look happy.

We make contact with him, and he tells us that he initiated a traffic stop on the patient's vehicle after it passed him in excess of 110 miles per hour.  Upon making contact with the patient's boyfriend (the driver), he was told that she was in labor and they were rushing to the hospital. The trooper detected signs of intoxication and notified us of the impending birth of baby Asphalt.  Or Blacktop.  Or Concrete.  Or whatever.

I conduct an initial assessment, which reveals a 21 year old woman in no apparent distress.  I cancel the incoming engine company and continue the assessment.

She states her last menstrual period was 31 weeks ago, and denies recent alcohol use.  This is interesting, since I haven't asked her about drinking.  She freely admits to smoking throughout the pregnancy, though, so she's obviously a real winner.

She states her due date is in three months - I'm no 'rithmetic expert, but that doesn't seem to add up - and she denies any prenatal care.  I ask her about contractions and - big surprise - she starts to get evasive.  She states that her water broke while she was at home asleep, which is weird because they're both dressed like they're coming from a party... Maybe cocktail dresses and tuxes double as pajamas for these folks, but I kinda doubt it.

The expressway at drunk time is one of my least favorite places to be, so I try to minimize my scene times whenever practical. This is one of those times, but she seems determined to drag this out as long as possible. After 10 minutes on scene with her stalling and evasion (and one 'contraction' that didn't seem legit at all), I tell her (as politely and firmly as possible) that the danger to all of us is excessive and unnecessary and we need to get her to the hospital.

She reluctantly climbs on the gurney and we load her into the ambulance.  As the back doors slam shut, the trooper's handcuffs ratchet closed on baby daddy's wrists. The trooper is arresting him for drunk and reckless driving. The guy is crying as he takes a seat in the cruiser.

The patient goes ballistic and tells me that they can't be arresting him.  I inform her that not only CAN he be arrested, he IS being arrested. She breaks down and admits that, while truly pregnant, she's not in labor - her water breaking was lie, and the 'contraction' was faked. I ask her if she still wants to go to the hospital, and she says no, so I have her fill out the refusal paperwork.  I open the doors to the rig, and help her step down to the ground.

The trooper comes over to see what the problem is.  I give him the rundown and he smiles knowingly.  As I pull a tissue out of my pocket for my former patient, the trooper pulls out a gift of his own.  The patient wipes her eyes as the trooper presents her with her new bracelets.  Before she could even process what was going on, he had her cuffed and informed of her charges. Obstruction, false report of an emergency and contributing to the delinquency of a minor - turns out baby daddy wasn't quite 21 yet...

Apparently lying to a trooper about being in labor isn't a good plan.  Neither is partying and having your intoxicated unborn baby's father drive you home.  Smoking while pregnant seems like the least of the problems this poor kid'll have to deal with in the future...

Pack of smokes: $5
Party dress: $150
Bail money: $1,000
Look on trooper's face as he "limits out" on the traffic stop: Priceless